remember that night i fucked you in the pet cemetary, baby?

THE INTERNET IS SO FUCKING STRANGE

2008-06-06T05:53:21Z

my biological father, 21 years gone and counting, just found me on myspace.

WTF?

what a strange, strange night.

4/20

2008-04-21T02:37:00Z

In 19th century Nepal, the marijuana harvest was performed by men who ran naked through fields of the flowering plants and then had the sticky resin scraped off their bodies and formed into bricks of hashish.

doesn't THAT just sound lovely?

themaestra @ 2008-02-06T20:21:00

2008-02-07T04:24:52Z

<3
<3
<3
<3

"Either the wallpaper goes, or I go."
-Oscar Wilde's last words

<3
<3
<3
<3

THINGS update

2007-11-28T06:46:56Z

(in list form since life must be organized into lists or i forget everything)

1. went to montana, saw lots of snow, came back really fast.
2. saw high school boyfriend on said montana trip (those of you mt folk know the one i speak of). he is having a baby with some girl.
a. (sub category) first thought: could've been me
b. second thought: i'm looking at him and realize what i see now is the rest of his life.
c. third thought: OY VEY. make that a double OY VEY.
3. orchestra concert this sunday, 3 pm. we are playing brahms 3rd symphony, bernstein's chichester psalms and some craaaaazy new music piece that blows my mind and is amazing. ya'll should stop on by.
4. finals are killing me
5. i'm slowly cutting out my smoking habit (cigarettes, that is)
6. i miss my mom
7. i have a new red coat
8. i spent a lot of money on sheet music today. and i was happy to do so. maybe i should be a music major? oh right, that's what i've been all along.
9. i recorded some string parts for some band today and they paid us in pints of jim beam. i <3 musicians!
10. CHANUKAH IS FUCKING EARLY THIS YEAR!

so....

2007-11-01T22:26:29Z

mercury was in retrograde for the last three weeks, which explains why they have been the most difficult, angsty and frustrating weeks of just about everyone's life. and today it's back where it's supposed to be and already i've made it to class on time and i like the violin again and psu library just kicked off their lovely book sale where everything is fifty cents.
geez, it's nice to love life again finally!

i'm sick of all you drunk whores, falling down on my floors!

2007-10-29T03:16:51Z

i rapped at some drunk hos last night...

we invited about 20 people to our house as a halloween get together and ended up with about 75 people in a drunken, raging halloween house party. half of them were foreigners anyway, so it was their first halloween. a good time was had by all and nothing got broken or thrown up on, so i suppose it could be deemed a success.

I was J.Lo.
(very drunk J.Lo).

so we won't be doing that again time soon. but happy halloween!

p.s. my mother is getting a puggle. I'M STOKED.

so........

2007-10-19T06:15:47Z

i just dropped my african studies class. even though i only get a 20% refund. why would i do a silly thing like that, you ask? was it too much work? too hard to handle? no? well then, your professor must've condoned female circumcision as a reasonable way to curb the AIDS crisis in Africa.

YES, HE DID.

and i feel like i have nothing to learn from a man who tells me women in africa should live in constant fear of their wedding night, never experience any sexual pleasure (as long as they live!) and risk dying after sex (and if they make it that far, surely after their first childbirth).

nothing to learn at all.

woah.

2007-10-10T06:20:08Z

i just found out that max lentz died. (i guess this is a post for missoula folk)
what an incredibly terrible thing.

wow.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

2007-09-24T07:09:18Z

fuck.
this.
shit.

my fingernail has almost been torn from it's bed (i guess i'll get it looked at tomorrow)
my job sucks, i'm always covered in ice cream and tonight it took me two hours to get home via trimet.
school tomorrow and i have no money for books, tuition, music, even a notebook and a pen.

i was comfortable with my life, and when i let my guard down and the shit hits me in the face. as soon as i let myself enjoy things, and stop thinking about when the next shoe is going to drop, it does (an old jewish mother rule; the second shoe will always drop).

in conclusion: i want to scream at the top of my lungs but my roommates are all sleeping and so i'm venting to livejournal.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

themaestra @ 2007-07-17T22:44:00

2007-07-18T05:45:24Z

One of the things i love about you is if i ever miss you i can find a hairtie nearby and it reminds me of you.

my boyfriend said this to me today. i liked it so much i had to record it and this seemed to be a reasonable way of doing it.

themaestra @ 2007-04-27T18:04:00

2007-04-28T01:05:26Z

for her encore, regina spektor sang john lennon's "real love" while playing bach on the piano.

things

2007-04-16T23:40:37Z

1. my phone has crapped out on me. i spent about a thousand minutes trying to solve this at the verizon store, and even though my plan has insurance on my phone that gets paid AND the phone dying wasn't my fault, i still have to pay fifty bucks. FUCK YOU, VERIZON. seriously. i want to burn your stores and all teh fucking douchebag-frat boy-"i have authority and power because i'm the manager of a cell phone store"-assholes who work there. FUCK YOU.

2. i shook hands with governor kulongoski this morning. yup, he came and visited my work. we hung out 'n' shit.

3. BAH money.

my list of looking forward.

2007-04-04T20:58:19Z

1. regina spektor in 20 days
2. andrew bird
3. first thursday/last thursday
4. new york/visiting lacy
5. not having to go to orchestra for five weeks
6. montana trip in august
7. gladstone pub is starting to serve liquor as of 7:00 p.m. tonight
8.___________________

nyc.

2007-04-01T00:13:58Z

so marcus and i woke up this morning and decided that we HAD to see this movie called 'killer of sheep' which was named a national treasure by the library of congress and is supposedly this amazing film that was never released in the 70s because it couldn't get the rights to the soundtrack. but it's playing in limited release in two theaters nationwide and they are both in new york. so we looked online and called the theatre, and it was going to be way expensive (as we figured) but then we had teh new york bug.

so we got tickets for a whole week of new york awesomeness starting the last day of finals week, this term! we are flying red-eye so we leave at midnight, get on some planes and wake up in new york.

finally, something to look forward to!

themaestra @ 2007-02-28T13:34:00

2007-02-28T21:35:45Z

i want to shave my head like britney and not give a fuck what anyone says/thinks/is. you see, the thing is, i don't really FUCKING care anymore. plus, i've been having these intese dreams where i literally beat people who are mere acquaintances to a bloody pulp.

but at least i didn't join and drop out and join and drop out of rehab, right?

themaestra @ 2007-02-26T22:31:00

2007-02-27T06:34:12Z

so my birthday was beautiful and gold.
plus i got a very useful present out of it.
plus i have been on a great-can't-put-it-down-dream-about-it-realte-everything-in-your-life-about-it book kick lately and bastard out of carolina doesn't look like it's slowing me down.

WOOT!

thanks to all for the birthday wishes. i love you kids dearly.

love,
stella (age 20).

themaestra @ 2007-02-19T08:36:00

2007-02-19T16:39:38Z

so the last day of being a teenager (i.e. today) has already started off awful. But good news, it's 8:36 a.m. and that means there is still plenty of room for the day to keep going downhill! i missed the goddamn bus THREE times this morning. Once when i heard it drive away as i was still in the house, once when it drove away as i was running to catch and once when i was getting coffee and turn around to see it driving away from my stop 10 minutes early! fuck you, bus.
plus i got around 3 hours of sleep last night, plus i haven't done jackshit for school plus i am just really stressed/pissed/angsty in general.

maybe tomorrow when i wake up a 20-year-old all this teenage emotional grossness will have magically dissappeared?

one can only hope.

super bowl? more like super bore.

2007-02-05T20:52:23Z

okay, hi.
1. i don't care about the super bowl.
2. i've had a string of migraines lately. WTF, man?
3. my job is finally starting to drive me COMPLETELY nuts instead of just half way-nuts.
4. i <3 prokofiev

my birfday

2007-01-31T02:57:38Z

so i've decided what to do for my birthday.
I'll be 20. And it's on February 20th. Which makes it my golden birthday, which means i'm having a gold-dress-up-listen to jazz-drink gold champagne drinks-be 20 years old party! I'm going to decorate everything in gold, dress in a pretty gold dress i have yet to buy, dance to the golden years of jazz, drink gold punch, look at all the people i love wearing gold.
YOU SHOULD COME.

more on this new development later.

themaestra @ 2007-01-23T13:42:00

2007-01-23T21:48:16Z

my hair is getting long enough now that the number of creepy male encounters in my day has gone up considerably (because a girl with short hair COULD be a lesbian, but a girl with longer hair is much more approachable. APPARENTLY). it's gross and i don't really remember how to deal with it. oy.

yesterday i forgot how to play the violin for like, 3 or 4 seconds during rehearsal. I just started thinking about it too much and all of a sudden it was like, WHAT IS THIS THING? and forget reading music. but it was like riding a bike. sort of. in that i got over it.

LIST!

1. it snowed in portland. TWO DAYS OFF OF SCHOOL FOR THREE INCHES OF SNOW. wtf? yeah.
2. my life is boring.
3. i miss my mom and my dog and all sorts of little things.
4. marcus gave me a stuffed penguin named pippen for christmas/new years and i sleep with it every night. I think it's starting to make my real boyfriend a little bit jealous.
5. all of a sudden (since lily's 21st birthday bar-hopping extravaganza) i am smokin marlboro lights, just like carrie bradshaw and amanda luna. again, wtf? they're pretty good 'n cheap though.
6. i have yet to snowboard this season. i don't think i'm okay with this.

but seriously, my hair is fucking LONG now.

being sick is like being real

2007-01-21T17:53:30Z

I need to stop thinking I can actually hold my liquor.

Friday:
2 Miller High Lifes
1 Red Stripe
1 Dead Guy Ale
2 Snow Plows
I Ranier
2 Greyhounds
2 IPA
1 Lemondrop
1 Low Life.

That equals me walking around Chinatown, attempting to dance, then realizing I have no control over my body and go sit down all annoyed with my drunk self, trying to talk to Katie and other friends, only slurring my words, then me going home with everybody and throwing up in the bathroom. I honestly do not remember anything after we got to the Tube. I slept the rest of Saturday, watching Harry Potter made me dizzy, smoked a little bit, and just slept some more.

I asked the girls if I did anything really embarrassing, but as it turns out the only lame thing I did was try to dance for twenty seconds. At least I didn't flirt with any guys.

There's this guy I met at First Thursday a long time ago, and as it turns out, he works at Buffalo Exchange and watched me not fit into two pairs of pants, then gave me his phone number. Lily thinks he's a dim bulb, but I kinda like his name and the fact that he's Mexican. I like the idea of going out with someone who is also Mexican. Meh, I'll probably never call him and just hide behind some clothes racks if I run into him again. Last time I saw him I felt like I swallowed a huge ice cube.

I've been reading all the Local comics on repeat now, as if they were one really good album. I can identify with Megan's outlook on things and need to be anonymous, but still get attention. It's weird how much of myself I see in this character. She's flighty, but friendly, knows who she is but doesn't know what to do about it yet. I feel like I could live the exact same life she does, but then again, so I really want to? It'd be lonely, but really comforting. Not that I'm obsessed with this comic or anything (okay, I guess I am), but I think within the next couple of years I'll find out. Maybe just pack a backpack and some money and take a train to whatever city has a discounted fare.

It's weird crashing in the apartment of two of my best girlfriends. They are so nice to me and the apartment is one of my favorite places on Earth, but it's strange not really having anything of my own besides my clothes and yellow satchel filled with tapes, make-up and medication. It feels nomadic, but really nice at the same time. I know there are at least a half-dozen places my friends would let me crash for a few weeks. That's nice if you ask me. I just can't wait for Jason to get back from Peru so we can just get a place of our own. I feel like decorating and bring my records up.

themaestra @ 2006-12-30T14:12:00

2006-12-30T21:12:04Z

so i'm not a ruiner. apparently. this makes me feel much much much better. i still have some issues with making myself believe i'm a ruiner when in all actuality there's nothing to ruin. wtf?

themaestra @ 2006-12-30T12:38:00

2006-12-30T19:38:34Z

i'm a ruiner. a ruiner of good things. why am i a ruiner? because after four in the morning when i have ridiculous insomnia and am ridiculously lonely, it's the only thing i can seem to be able to do.

god i'm stupid.

stolen from a mexican i spared from deportation for christmas

2006-12-26T22:41:46Z

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
hash, lived by myself (all by myself), gone bar hopping, played for a country star, got food stamps, used said food stamps, learned how to sew, started (starting?) my own company, loved my friends more than ever.

2.Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
for the last two years my resolutions have been to just be kinder and a better person in general. i think i've done well (i've certainly changed), but i think i'll stick with that one since it could always use improvement.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
lacy and seth (not lacy roberts) had a baby. he's awesome.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
my grandfather

5. What countries did you visit?
the u.s.a. oh, and oregon.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
less shit. seriously, i need to clean out the closet of my life.

7. What day from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the immigration protests in portland which i watched from my office window all day and refused to wait on anyone. it gave me faith in people that they could still band together for a common uniting cause even if no one in washington seems to give a rat's ass these days. plus, some really really racist frat boys with really offensive signs got their asses kicked and the awesome white cops standing next to them just turned the other way.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
the kabalevsky concerto. even though it's debatable whether or not it was actually 'achieved' i still worked my ass off on it and for that i am proud of myself.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not keeping in better touch with those i love who don't live near me.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i got really sick a couple of times, but i managed successfully to avoid injury.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
lots and lots of really beautiful and expensive fabric.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
noah for finishing my mix cd in time, amanda for doing what is best for her in her opinion (the right opinion), marcus for being the upstanding citizen he is and teaching me lots and lots of useful stuff, my father's girlfriend who manages to just deal gracefully with all of my father's little neurosis. seriously, i'm proud of that broad.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
joey akland who is the one person on the planet i would punch in the face again if i just had the chance. and, you know, the whole administration and shit.

14. Where did most of your money go?
rent, cigarettes, coffee, wine, pretty things, pretty things for other people. i didn't have that much to start with, so that kinda sums it up.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
well, regina spektor, but she was sold out TWICE this year. going home to montana and then going home to portland, thursday night trivia with my girls, sasquatch, my new macbook.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
beethoven violin concerto, sufjan stevens 'decatur' and...sadly...'fergielicious' which i'll have you know, chris carlson was listening to VERY loudly in his car the other night.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?
happier. it's getting better all the time.

ii. Thinner or fatter?
fatter, but you know, i really really like it. i'm not noticeably FAT, i'm just finally getting curves and embracing voluptuousness in myself.

iii. richer or poorer?
richer, although all that really means is that im finally off of the parent-loan system.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
fiddling, going out, seeing my mother, talking to lacy.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
headaches. not my fault, but still. also, falling asleep at nine p.m. every weekend.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
well i spent christmas with my fam in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by horses and cattle and consumerism and meat. but it was nice anyway.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
oh yes. between my beautiful wonderful friends and my fantastic boy i fall more in love with the world every day.

22. How many one-night stands?
none!

23. What was your favourite TV program?
The Office, LOST, Arrested Developement.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Absoloutely. Joey fucking Akland.

25. What was the best book you read?
oh dear. on beauty by zadie smith. also, amsterdam by ian mckewan, breakfast of champions by kurt vonnegut and i am charlotte simmons by tom wolfe.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
talkdemonic, the blow, that crazy norweigan guy that wrote that last piece for new music ensemble.

27. What did you want and get?
a macbook, more friends, lily to live with me, a swimming pool.

28. What did you want and not get?
world peace, a horse, travel.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
the fountain, thank you for smoking.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 19 and marcus and i went to dinner then we had a party at his house that not very many people came to but which didn't bother me since i had such a great time anyway.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
if i had choose, i would choose travel, but you know what? my year was incredibly satisfying. good year, 2006.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
polvo(palipo)

33. What kept you sane?
school, work, bills, friends, my violin and violin teacher, my love. also, and this one is probably the real answer to this question, beer and pot.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
lindsay lohan hands down.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
you know, that big general one called war.

36. Who did you miss?
lacy, my mother, jamie cox, germany.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
amanda luna first of all because i love her hardcore, liz because she shaved her head, and almendra because she is a dear AND it is because of her that i can go out to bars.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
enjoy.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
this is a bullet from a gun called 'what the fuck?'
-mason jennings.

for christmas i got footy pajamas, some beautiful things and some useful things and lots of money and gift cards which will serve me well in the next couple of months. it wasn't gratuitous, it was just the right size and i went to bed with a sigh of relief.
p.s. i will be back in portland hopefully the night of the first. i'm trying to arrange this via parent-car-train-bus-magic. more on that later.

themaestra @ 2006-12-18T21:56:00

2006-12-19T04:56:50Z

back in missoula with the fam.
call for details.